2004-12-27 - 12:01 a.m.

Shit, man. That there Holiday Pepsi is pretty fuct up, dude.

When me first put it to me lips, man, like I just couldn't stomach it. I couldn't even liver it. No, I could not kidney it, spleen it, or even duodenum it.

In case you're an igmo, I'll exshplain: Holiday Pepsi is the latest in a long line of homosexual sodas offered by that purveyor of piss, that dealer in dribble, that bastion of bilge known as Pepsico. It's supposed to be "spicy" in a christmas kinda way, whatever the frop that means. All I taste is a vague hint of cinnamony afterbirth. And as one of my colleagues in the Spugnology Institute recently remarked, it has this funny red color to it that is just........ wrong.

So, yeah, Grillo (speaking) didn't dig it. No, man, no. The Pepsi Brothers lose again. Add it to the scrap pile of half-baked failures like Crystal Pepsi, Blue Pepsi, Low-Carb Pepsi, Bat-Pepsi, Super-Pepsi, Superdeformed Pepsi, Tan Pepsi, Kimagure Orange Pepsi, Communist Pepsi, and Terrorist Pepsi.

But LO!!!! What's THIS??? Lately Grillo lays on the cold nasty tile floor and feels rumblings down deep in his bladder. A cry for help. A gnawing NEED. A need... for.... HOLIDAY PEPSI!!! Why??? What the spock did they put in the stuff? AND NOW THE FREAKIN' HOLIDAYS ARE ALMOST OVER AND I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO DRINK IT AGAIN BECAUSE IT'S SUCH A PATHETIC FAILURE YOU KNOWS THEY WONT BE BRINGIN' IT BACK NEXT YEAR!!!! (Well, they'll probably do something NEW next year, like Eggnog Pepsi.)

Grillo's only hope is to start watchin' the BIG LOTS stores closely...