2004-02-02 - 4:48 p.m.

GOTT IN HIMMEL!! Professor Grillo is tappin' the lectrum with his big pointy stick, you damn kids, so SHUDDUP!!! Lissen up close cause's there's a-gonna be a testicle afterwards.

Donald Duck lives in a city called Duckburg. It is always depicted as bein' inhabited solely by ducks. Why? Did they choose to build themselves a private ducks-only settlement, to get away from the other animalses of der Disney universe? Or did the udder animals send them there to live in exile? Is "Duckburg" really the name of der city, or is it an insulting pejorative epithet? Or both?

Und yet, this Duckburg we shpeak of, it is not but a hop skippin' a chump away from whatever town that goddamn mouse lives in. Mickey, they call him. Is this an Irish mouse or did his parents just call him that at random? And where is Mickey's parents, anyway? Or any of der Disney characters' parents, for that metter. BLORNNNGGGG!!!!!!

There's no Mouseville. No Dogburg. No Horsetown. So vhy ist there a Duckburg? Ponder. Wonder.

Aside frum the orbvious weirdness of havin' anthropomorphic animals waddlin' around and conducting their lives like humans, everything seems to be pretty much just like our world in the Disney dimension. Doctors, lawyers, parking meters, fire hydrants, supermarkets, TV and radio, restaurants with snooty waiters, etc. All aspects of modern human existence is seemingly mirrored for D.Duck, M.Mouse, and friends.

So.......... what about pet shops?

When you're Mickey Mouse and you walks into a pet store, what do you see? What the fug do they SELL, Clyde? CLYDE? IS YOU AWAKE?? SEVENTY-SIX DEMERITS, BOY!!!

Does they sell mice? If so, are they normal mice, like properly proportionally tinier than Mickey? Are they ordinary dumb mices, or is they intelligent like everything else in Disney's realm? And if they're intelligent, why are they held in slavery and sold as pets while Mickey wears pants and drives cars and tries to take sneaky nude pics of Minnie with his new cellphone? And how does Mickey feel about the mice being treated like this?

So what animals WOULD be in a Disney pet store? Dogs? Pluto is a dog, and though he is shmart as everyone else, he is mute and lives his life much as a normal dog would, naked and on all fours and eating dog food from a bowl. But what's the dorg food made of?? Beef? Horsemeat? What would Clarabelle Cow und Horace Horsecollar say about their intelligent brethen being eaten by a sentient dog owned by a giant mouse that walks like a man????

Goofy is a dog too, and wears clothes, speaks english, and leads a civilized human life. Yet Pluto is, time und time again, clearly shown to be shmarter than Goofy. How did things get so monumentalelly out of whack here?

Does Mickey and Donald and Goofy go to church? If so, what's their religium? And if they're Christians, is Jesus a duck in their universe? Is God a dog? GREAT GOBBS, MAN, WHAT DUST IT ALL MEAN??? Mine head hurts. Me gonna go loosen my tie and lay down now and sniff my cigarette lighter untils I feels betters. Clastice Missed!!!